FAQs

For most of this article we've use the example of a man wanting to kiss a woman simply because that's the most common scenario of violation, but absolutely this applies to a man kissing another man, a woman kissing another woman, a woman initiating a kiss with a man, or any other gender identities considering some tongue action.

Regardless of the genders, one or both of you should talk about a kiss before you engage in a kiss.

Prior to two people's first time having sex, we like to imagine consent takes a verbal form. Even if all the body language and making out seems to shine a big green light, asking for sexual consent is the opportunity for both parties (regardless of what genders are involved) to talk about their boundaries, their STD history and (of course) protection. Many people don't do this properly, but at least the consent part is covered. The woman has had a fair chance to say no and express her boundaries and she wasn't forced into it.

We believe a kiss - especially in the times of pandemic - should have the same protocol. That the safest thing to do is always to ask. Oh yes, there may often be times where you've been on multiple dates, and you sit closer and closer... a kiss on the forehead slowly moves to the cheek... and slowly then towards the lips. It's a magical moment and it happens slowly that your lips move towards each other. Is this non-verbal consent? It's absolutely a gray area. In this particular situation, you've given the other person sufficient time to say no, and the signals that you are getting are a no. Non verbal signals certainly exist, but let's also argue that after the kiss the someone suddenly regrets that she kissed you and thus put their loved ones at risk. Then suddenly it's true you didn't ask for permission - and there might be a slight feeling of violation. At least by asking permission, you know for sure. Our philosophy is that kids should be taught to always ask on the first time.

And yes, it's very possible to ask for permission.... and if you're really shy you might even use text:

• Justin:    Just to let you know, I loved our date and I imagined kissing you already.  :)

• Sam:       Mmm... maybe you should have.

• Justin:    I believe a gentleman should always ask before a first kiss. He should never assume.

• Sam:       Well then you have your answer already. On our next date you have my permission for one long soft kiss.

• Justin:    What are you doing tomorrow?  :)

I guess you call that written consent.

Let's say you are a good looking man and 80% sure your date is digging you and wants you to kiss her. She's flirting and staring into your eyes and you want to lean in. Some people are just naturally flirty though and maybe you are just wishful thinking because you are having an amazing time. If you are only 80% sure each time then 1 in 5 of girls you have ever kissed have probably felt violated by you, and hopefully that thought makes you feel uncomfortable.

Verbally asking is sexy, but we also don't want people to feel bad when they realize their first kiss with a long time partner was a non-verbal situation. If you move incredibly slowly... and we mean incredibly slowly, then you might have a magical kiss with non-verbal consent. Starting with holding hands, slowly dancing, moving closer, touching cheeks, an energetic connection, perhaps multiple dates, touching foreheads, and very slowly (millimeter by millimeter) moving your lips closer, and letting her close the last little gap between your lips.... then you can probably become 99% sure that the girl really likes you and wants to kiss. Why? Well you've given her plenty of warning that your lips are incoming and then you could be pretty darn confident that non-verbal consent is there. And yes, this is sexy!

It is quite okay that society is still split on whether verbally asking for a kiss is sexier or less sexy than "just knowing" and leaning in. Leaning in slowly enough is its own form of consent hence this movement is called "Consent to Kiss" instead of "Asking to Kiss". In our preliminary surveys, ~9/10 women in the United States think that asking for consent before a first kiss can be sexy, but almost everyone can agree that kissing without any warning or consent is very, very uncool. Our hope is that as people see more and more examples in the media of people asking for a kiss in sexy ways, the conditioning will change. Don't forget that it wasn't that long ago that most women were conditioned to think that they shouldn't vote in elections. It's all about changing social norms, and starting the dialog. Maybe you've never even experienced a man asking for a first kiss in a respectful manner, and maybe it will surprise you! Many men have never tried asking before, and maybe the results will surprise you too.

The reason we don't emphasize this "non verbal consent" quite as heavily on this website is because how many men are both patient enough and sufficient experts at body language that they are 100% sure that a woman wants to kiss? We have to cater for the average and lowest common denominator. Asking is always the safest route to ensure a woman feels respected. Whispering "I want to kiss you so badly" in her ear shouldn't ruin the mood.

Oh wow, you still are not getting this are you!  :)

Imagine this scenario:

• You are a heterosexual man just having a conversation with a man called Arnold. A huge man. This man is much taller and stronger than you (imagine Schwarzenegger) and suddenly he grabs your face without warning and holds you down for a kiss. You don't know if he has herpes you covid, but you do know that he has overpowered you.
  
  Would you feel violated? Would you want to press charges, but be worried nobody would take you seriously? You try to push Arnold away but he insists that you were sending signals and he continues to be handsy. Now maybe you understand how a woman might feel in that situation.

Okay, one more scenario:

• Derrick is contagious for covid. If Derrick was to walk up to another man in a restaurant, and spit on his face... that’s assault... and there’s a high chance I’ve just transferred covid. He should be arrested for that. Yet if Derrick walks up to a woman he doesn't know and kisses her without warning... Derrick has almost certainly passed covid onto the woman (and perhaps her immediate circle), and yet Derrick would almost certainly get away with this without punishment.
  
  Are these two things not both assault, and both disrespectful?

If you've been taught one way your whole life, it takes putting yourself in another person's shoes, and thinking differently about to consider that your approach might be wrong. Maybe there is a better approach.

Before you ask anyone for a kiss, it helps to know or be reminded that you usually have to build trust and attraction first.

In the United States, many people understand the somewhat crude baseball analogy of  “bases” in the progression towards sex.

• First base       = Kissing

• Second base  = Playing with breasts

• Third base      = Playing with genitals

• Forth bases    = Intercourse

What people often don’t think about is that there are usually many steps to build trust and intimacy before you get to that first base (kissing). For some people kissing the lips (first base) or genitals (third base) can be more imitate and take more time to get to than sex (fourth base), so never assume every person is built the same or that the progression is linear. To satisfy your inner logical brain, steps that build towards a kiss might look like this:

• Build trust and connection – try talking about your hopes, dreams and what you hope for in a relationship.

• Build attraction – try flirting and compliments.

• Look for expressions of interest – touching your arm, long eye contact, forward body language.

• Ask to hold hands – a sweet romantic moment that is often a precursor to a first kiss.

• Long hugs – after holding hands for a while you could express your desire to hold them in a deep cuddle or slow dance.

• Ask for a kiss – in whatever way feels right to you.

This isn’t a rule book, but we wanted to remind you that a kiss usually should not be asked for early on into a date when you are still learning about each other. Take time for chemistry to build, and don’t be offended if it doesn’t build – it just means you have incompatible energy with each other. This happens to the best and most good looking people all the time. Sometimes you just feel like the other person is on a different wavelength or page of life. If you do have chemistry, things will hopefully escalate naturally. Everyone moves at different paces. Holding hands or kissing often won’t happen on a first date or even multiple dates if either one of you likes to move slow.

Around your best friends, you probably feel comfortable sitting close. As you build trust with a date, you might just naturally move closer. You might ask to sit next to them on the same side of the table. If you’re attracted to them, make sure you do let them know in subtle ways that you are attracted, lest they subconsciously start to see you as just a friend. This book isn’t about trying to try teaching you flirting, but we will remind you that some light flirting can go a long way in reminding someone you find them attractive.

One of the things we don’t like about the baseball analogy is that it makes it seem like everything starts with a kiss. If you intend to ask for a kiss, then asking to hold hands first is a brilliant idea. It should also feel a lot softer if they say no to holding hands – many people are adverse to holding hands in public, so don’t take it personally, you haven’t missed your opportunity to ask for a kiss later on. If you are a pure romantic, you probably won’t want to rush towards a kiss too quickly. It can feel lovely to hold someone’s hand, offer a back massage, hold each other close, offer a little kiss on the forehead. There are so many little moments to savor and take your time we forget about if we focus on the kiss or sex as an ultimate goal. Being present in the moment is absolutely an amazing way to make someone like you.

For people terrified of asking someone for a kiss – exponentially if they’ve never done that before -  we hope you’ll be almost relieved that asking to hold hands during a good date is an easier question to ask along the way. Getting to a stage of comfort to flirt and make physical contact all helps in the escalation that should build up towards you asking for your first kiss.

The sad fact is this:

Usually it's the wrong people who tell us what is sexy

One of the biggest challenges “consent to kiss” faces is the skeptics who feel that asking for a kiss can take away from the magic. People who don’t realize that if you start asking for kisses, and get good at it, it might actually lead to more kisses and better kisses, which is certainly the experience of the people in our circles.

For most of us, we have no idea that what we find attractive and sexy is so heavily dictated by what we are told by society. In older times, up until about 1900, it was seen as natural and attractive for a woman to be curvy and voluptuous. In the 1970s, skinny flat chests, flat bottoms, afros and androgyny reigned supreme. In the 1980s, mullets, shoulder pads and fanny packs were cool. In the 1990s, bell bottoms, anorexia and dark lip colors were hip. In the 2000s, cargo shorts and metrosexual popped collars were in. Nobody imagines the fashion that they rock today might look ridiculous in thirty years. The fashion and beauty industry like to change trends every month so they can sell more product. We get told what look is in or out, yet sometimes all it takes is a single celebrity with a curvy bottom to make society shift, just a little. It makes us consider that being unhealthy thin isn’t a great aspiration for teenage girls.

We also get told what way of behaving is and isn’t attractive. In the early 1900s, women in the United States still could not vote and the ideal women would be conservatively dressed, submissive, and were expected to stay at home to do domestic chores and leave all real decisions to men. To break outside of that mold would be very unattractive. Nowadays women are empowered to be far more independent. We have redefined divine femininity, yet when it comes to kissing, women often still feel pressure to be agreeable to men.

Society’s definition of masculinity and femininity is not fixed either.

Television, sadly, still often conveys the message that men can kiss without asking. Even if you’ve never kissed a woman in your life you should know when to pounce. This really doesn’t give the modern woman much chance to dig inside herself to consider if she’s ready for a kiss, and all the meaning that a first kiss may or may not entail.

Occasionally in movies, an obviously bad character forces a kiss and the woman might slap him. This is seen as a woman being strong and standing up for herself. The more powerful message, however, would be for the woman to explain that a kiss should be asked for. A slap is entertaining, but doesn’t really make anyone in the audience think.

If you want to see examples of how asking can be sexy, you might want to flip to those sections in the book. The purpose of this section is really just to help you realize that your thoughts about what is and isn’t sexy is based almost entirely on what you’ve seen and been told by society. If you were raised in a society where men were not allowed to ever kiss women unless the woman asked first, that would be normalized and you would probably not even consider that things could be a different way.

We don’t really subscribe to the so-called experts that try to convince men that they should wait three days after a phone number to message. Not every woman wants men to play games. A growing number of men and women are starting to think for themselves. As you get older you realize that you get to define what you think is sexy.

The people who control fashion and media are still almost all wealthy white men in positions of power. It has typically benefitted them to condition women and men to do as they say, and to not think too deeply about consent or to challenge social norms. Asking a woman or man for a kiss is giving them the opportunity to think for yourself and surely that is sexy. This book is challenging you to drop everything that society has told you is sexy.

There will always be a fraction of men out there who think they have the incredible social intuition, seduction power and good looks to know when a girl wants to be kissed. Maybe you look like James Dean, and think pretty highly of yourself. Maybe you boast that you have "strong game" and can easily put most girls in the mood for a kiss Maybe you think asking consent is something that people with less social intuition should do. Maybe you think the CTK movement is unfair and doesn't apply to you. 

Maybe you need to think deeper about ethics.

Imagine the situation of a man playing games and seducing a woman. He wakes up the next day feeling great, but she wakes up the next day crying and ashamed because she's broken her own principles, moved too quickly, ended or jeopardized a budding relationship, feels used and/or realizes she wants a connection different from what you want. Ethically she feels obligated to tell others that she made a mistake and exposed herself and others to risk (covid, oral herpes, STIs). You feel great. Do you really know how she feels? If you play loose and fast I guarantee you've hurt more people than you've enriched. You might be a homewrecker and not even realize it, because you rushed her or took advantage of a girl under the influence of alcohol or seduction.

Seducing a woman for a kiss without asking bears the same risks, albeit to a lesser extent. You might enjoy the kiss, but are they going to think about the kiss tomorrow with a smile... or with regret. If that kiss happens to lead to more intimacy their smile or regret will be hugely exacerbated.

Regardless of your good looks and charm, it's very hard to be 100% sure if a woman should be kissed. At the moment she might be attracted and want to kiss, but when you verbally ask you give her a chance to consider the ramifications. Chances are you haven't asked a myriad of questions about how fast she likes to move, her religious beliefs, her rules on kissing, her potential romantic attraction to other people in her life and your life. When you ask a girl for a kiss, you give her a chance to speak up about her concerns. You might be surprised to hear that she does want to kiss you, but there is an excellent reason why she shouldn't. You can save heartache.

If you really are as good looking as Chris Hemsworth then surely you can afford to lose a few kisses by improving your ethics. Seduction works, yes, but consider how many girls who might have wanted a kiss in the moment but have been left completely disappointed by you. If you start asking for kisses, if you show that you are a gentleman, these women (or men) might start saying sweet things about you behind your back, instead of telling people that you are reckless.

This section might seem a bit harsh, but most of us know at least one friend who is very much a "player" and who has upset a lot of people along the way. Equally true is that there are some women who enjoy playing the field and might not consider that what feels good to them, could cause wounds for the other person. Kiss responsibly is the name of the game here. Ignore the books about seduction you've read and consider how you'd feel if someone made your sister feel violated or rushed. Slow your jets cowboy!

If you do happen to want a relationship one day, you'll do far better if you are patient enough to show that you care, versus frightening her off early because you come across as too selfish and reckless to manage a real relationship.

In the book, we reference infringements of boundaries, including rape. In reality, there is a huge gray area that happens outside of penetration, and we don’t want to diminish how hurt someone might be when someone from your recent or distant past kissed you before you were ready. Maybe you simply feel that you moved too quickly from a kiss into the bedroom. How you feel is never wrong, and maybe the word “forgiveness” isn’t quite what you want – you want closure. Perhaps something you deeply regret is that you didn’t speak up for yourself in the moment and you are not suffering from that loss of self expression. Part of adulting is knowing you can stand up for yourself and speak out to the people who hurt you, even if they have no idea that they hurt you. There is a good chance they have no idea, and a good chance they feel awful.

If your hurt is serious, we encourage you to see a trained professional for advice on what to do, before you rush ahead into any course of action. If what happened to you was illegal then you should contact the authorities for assistance and advice.

If what happened within this current gray area wasn’t illegal then what you remember with awkwardness and a bad memory the other person might remember completely differently and as a happy memory of passion. If you feel compelled to open dialog with someone about a moment you felt rushed or pressured, the key thing to do is to not come at them like an accusation. A gentle touch works when you use the words “I feel”. Here’s an example of using I feel:

“Jason, I know this comes out of the blue, but two years ago we went on a single date, and I feel like in the heat of the moment you were a little more pushy than I expected and it turned me off the idea of further dates. The rest of the night was quite magical, but I wanted to tell you now because it has been weighing on me just a little, and to make sure if you do meet a woman who is perfect for you, that you don’t accidentally make a similar mistake. I’m happy to chat more on the phone. I still appreciate you as a great human being, and I hope you are dating someone wonderful.”

Run any message you intend to write past your most attuned, understanding friends and you might even want to call them up. Perhaps a text first will soften the blow, and thinking of sweet elements about them will also soften the blow, because most men and women will feel very much upset and/or defensive when they hear that they upset someone. You are doing this for you, to get closure.

“Hi Darren, you and I met at a gay bar two months ago and I remember you grabbed me for a kiss very early on and grabbed my ass. At the time I was very turned on, but I was also newly out of a heartbreak and a few weeks later felt like you really rushed me. I have been reading up on the ‘Consent to Kiss’ philosophies, and felt empowered to let you know that you did cause some hurt in me. I’m sure you never realized, and even I took a few weeks to realize. With this message I hope to bring closure. I’m sure you meant only the best and you are an attractive amazing man, but I also think it might bode well for you to read up on some of the consent to kiss material (www.consenttokiss.com) and through this might create more rich and deep moments of intimacy in future relationship”.

Even if they never reply to your message, you might immediately feel the kind of sensation of power that occurs when you speak your truth. Quite possibly they will change their behavior in the future and you effectively just saved someone from the same hurt that you feel.

Do not be the little field mouse that feels victimized. Show people you have a voice. If you need extra help to show your voice, enlist the help of a best friend who might even type a message or send a message on behalf of you. In situations of gray area where the person, though social conditioning, probably feels like they did nothing wrong, use a gentle but firm touch. How you feel is never wrong. If you feel rushed or violated, then that is your truth. If they refuse to listen then that is on them. If you are too scared to speak up, then that, unfortunately, will only hurt you. Start by speaking to a friend or reaching out to the book authors, who are both always quite happy to listen with empathy and make suggestions where we can. We are not trained therapists, but often all you really want is for someone to listen to your story of hurt.

Great question, and one that not many people know the answer to.

The short answer is yes, for the United State, but it may be true for all countries. Please refer to legal resources for your own country.

From https://herlawyer.com/forced-kiss-sexual-assault/: 

"One of the most vital parts of the definition of sexual assault is that it involves nonconsensual sexual acts. According to 10 US Code §920. Art. 120, one who performs a sexual act upon someone who did not consent will receive court punishment. A forced kiss refers to a victim being forced to perform a sexual act that they likely did not consent to. Based on the definition of sexual assault, a forced kiss is sexual assault. A forced kiss is an act that a victim is forced to do and does not consent to, which is one of the current identifiers of sexual assault."