About CTK

We believe all first kisses should be incredible! For so many women in this world (and some men too) first dates and kisses are something to be feared. There's the awkward moment in a date where a person really doesn't want their date to kiss them, but realizes that their persuer might lunge forwards at any moment because they don't know any better. And often they do. In our preliminary surveys, ~2/3 of women in the United States have received an unwelcome kiss and ~2/3 of woman have felt violated by a kiss.

Let's start by acknowledging the humanity of all people. Each gender can be given incredibly mixed messages and advice from their parents, peers and society. Conflicting advice like: "be manly", "be sensitive", "progress carefully", "be assertive", "be agreeable". Growing up is a lot about experimentation. Learning what works and what doesn't. Asking works. Asking for a first kiss (or to touch someone for the first time) works because it shows respect.

An unwelcome kiss from the pursuer is often felt as a violation. The consequence for the persued person is, at best case, to feel some level of violated. At worst case they can also contract oral herpes or covid, which could means weeks of illness or worse (death) to whoever they comes into contact with - including their older family - who may be at high covid risk.

A forced kiss is an official form of sexual assault in the US (US Code §920. Art. 120) and many other countries, yet men have been grabbing women by the face, bottom and other areas for millennia because it's been presented as a gray area and one free of consequences. We do, however, do believe we're on the verge of a breakthrough. Since 2017 the MeToo movement has started encouraging people (women especially) to talk out about sexual violation, and the pandemic has made us particularly aware that a kiss without permission is another form of sexual violation.

Speak to your female friends on this topics and you'll hear more and more stories of women who have been kissed without consent, and how traumatic that can be. It used to be that women had to fight hard just to have their voices heard around rape. We believe opening a conversation about the violation of kissing and unwanted touch is the next step of the MeToo movement.

One of the bigger reasons we are in this mess now, is likely because mainstream movies have countless examples where the attractive male hero grabs the girl for a kiss. At first she doesn't think she wants it... but eventually she decides she does. A movie is not a reality. Maybe you feel like James Dean, but you are probably not. Thanks to covid, the line between "smooth and confident" and "disrespectful and rapey" just got a lot more blurry. There may be moments in a date where you are fairly sure a woman wants you to initiate a kiss, but there's still that terrifying chance you are wrong.

So how about this...

Just ask!

In our preliminary surveys, ~9/10 women in the United States think that asking for consent before a first kiss is sexy.

If you think asking for a kiss isn't sexy, it's possibly because you've not thought deeply about the idea of the vulnerability and respect that goes into asking. Or more likely, a lot of us simply have no idea what it might look like to ask someone for a kiss in any form, let alone a way that is flirty and fun.

Here's some fun ways you can ask permission and even enhance the mood in the process.

• Heartfelt:

  • "I'm really enjoying your amazing company and conversation.... can I please kiss you?".

  • "Listen, I know in all the movies the hero grabs the girl for a kiss, but I'm more respectful than that, so I'm asking you right now, can I kiss you."

  • "I can't stop imagining what it would feel like to kiss your lips, and I just wanted you to know that".

  • "This was soo fun! I would love to walk you to your car, and when we get that I would love to give you a little kiss if that sounds nice, and if you would rather not kiss I'm still really happy to walk you to your car."
    
    

• Statement of intent:      

  • "Wow, I want to kiss you so badly right now".

  • "I'm trying very hard not to kiss you."

• Outright flirty:

  • "Wow, I don't want to get ahead of myself, but I feel like I'm really acing this date, so I might have a slightly higher than average chance of getting a kiss at the end."

  • "True or false: You've imagined kissing me already at some point during our date."

  • "Hypothetically, men who ask women for a kiss on a first date... sexy or too soon?"

Asking can be vulnerable and heartfelt or sexy and flirty - it's up to you. The important part is that you do ask.

There are always going to be a few men and women who believe it's sexy to take without asking... but these people who believe in "power moves" may be either questionable in ethics or have bought into the nonsense without ever thinking of the wider implications for society. Maybe your second kiss you can safely read the signals and steal without asking... but a first kiss is a critical bond in your relationship which can lay out the level of respect you expect to uphold. If you are willing to ask for verbal consent to kiss, then you set yourself up well for a conversation about safe sex, if your dates progress further.

Also remember that even sexier that the vulnerability that goes into asking... is knowing that you can handle a no. If you hear a no, that's much much better than going for a kiss and watching your date panic attack because she or he really isn't ready to kiss you. You messed up, and you can't really recover easily from that without feeling like a douche.

One of the reasons people go for a kiss without asking is they are terrified of the word no. Maybe if the girl turns her head away, you can just pretend it never happened.

You need to change your mindset.

The idea of consent is that everyone feels amazing after the conversation. Ideally you hear a "hell yes", but if you don't hear a hell yes, then we want to teach you the power of hearing and respecting a girl's (or guy's) no. In our opinion, gracefully handling a no is even sexier than gracefully asking for the kiss.

If a girl says "no thank you" to a kiss, here's what you might say:

• "Well do let me know if that changes, but I'm proud of myself for even just asking."

• "Well thank you for you no... honestly, I really appreciate any girl who honors herself by saying no when she's not 100% sure on something."

• "Oh no worries. With or without kissing you I'm really having fun."

• "Wow, I'm glad I asked, because if I tried to kiss you right now I would have felt like an ass!"

The ability to handle a "no" gracefully is almost sexier than hearing a yes. It's an incredible mark of respect and maturity, and a realization that you shouldn't think of "no" as a rejection, but as your date honoring their feelings in the moment. Maybe in an hour they will change her mind. Maybe they have to consider their feelings. The important thing is to appreciate the beauty of vulnerability.

Some people associate the word "no" with rejection and to be rejected surely means there is something wrong with us and therefore all our insecurities should spark up? More evolved humans realize that you're always going to hear a mix of "no" and "yes" throughout life and it's more likely to be about them, and their comfort level (and how fast they like to move things) than about you. If they feel no chemistry romantically, then you can still have fun becoming friendly.

An unwelcome kiss is a violation. 

But there is so much interesting conversation you can have with your friends and lovers around the topic of "Consent To Kiss". We feel like you'd be silly not to talk about the way society views first kisses. Should an unwelcome kiss be something that warrants consequences? How about other forms of unwanted touch? Is it a form of sexual assault? If you had a son, what would you tell them about a first kiss? What about a daughter? These are just a few questions to ponder on.

We hope this page has opened as many new questions for you as it has answered - and the next step is to think about how we can change society! Putting "CTK" on your dating profile is a great start, but if a loved one has ever been violated and you feel strongly about CTK, think about how you can help get the word out !